Welcome to the 7th FreeWheeling. It's been a while since the last, for which the editorial staff apologize. This is a Halloween special! From now on, we hope to get FreeWheeling out to you much more often. Meanwhile, reading this lengthy issue should keep you occupied until the next one!
BabyGirl and Firefly (Editors)
Since the last Freewheeling, Hamelin, Clockshop and Angels have been finished and are now fully functioning quests. The code behind the game has been greatly improved, with Cyn in particular having carried out a lot of work on this. General improvements in game play really are too numerous to mention, but notable ones are Morphing to enable Untouchables to run quests as mortals, improved fighting and countless refinements of existing commands and facilities. The big news for the future of the game, however, is the TerraForming project!
Well since the last Freewheeling, many many promotions have occurred and some old powers have retired, so the Court and Clave look somewhat different. Many new players have reached the level of Apprentice and Counsel, and a regular influx of new players is keeping the game thriving and making all the hard coding work worthwhile. Most notably, Lucas has been promoted to Lord, and Cyn and BabyGirl to Advisor for their hard work on the game. Firefly is now Master, Cryogenius Stalwart, and Mindflayer, Panda, Mardi, Nirvana, Lister, Barrymore, Rastalin, Bluetonic and Bambi are Counsels, with several Apprentices close behind.
For anyone who hasn't seen the notice in the Warm Haven, we must also regretfully announce the death of Dave Fletcher, also known as Palv, who was killed in a car crash on October the 18th of this year. As Lucas has said, he was well known to older Terradome players and will be missed. A more permanent memorial to him is to be put somewhere in the game.
Spring has been in the air over the summer and autumn and two weddings have recently taken place. The 9th of October saw the wedding of Luckyspin and Cyn at Dreamer's Point, conducted by the Dreamer with Lucas as the best man, Firefly as bridesmaid, and Daedelus as the father of the bride. And on the 30th October a hasty ceremony (we won't ask) was carried out to join Mardi and May together in eternal and happy matrimony. The best man was Dios, the bridesmaid was Bliss, the father of the bride was Druid, and the ceremony was performed by the Vicar (an old and venerable character heavily influenced by Lucas). The engagements of Bambi and Panda (wedding set for 20th November, 6 pm game time) and of Bliss and Sickboy (date and time to be set) have also recently been announced.
The web site has been expanded and the TerraFirmA Tourist Guide will soon be launched. This is what it sounds like, a tourist guide to the lands of TerraFirmA, produced by Cryogenius, and will welcome contributions and comments from players.
Submitted by "The Grin Reaper"
_ ,, ,,,,,,,
\`\ ) ', ; ,(
/./././. | | ) ; ,' ,(
/ `/. | | ), ', ;' ,(
/ __ `/'/' ) ', ,' (
/\__/\ /' `\ / ), ; ,' ,(
| oo | `.,.| ) ; ) ,(
\vvvv/ |||| ) ; ;,(
|||| |||| ')', ,',;
|||| |||| ;^;;^;' (,
`'`' `'`' '0..0' ',.
'VV',.,;.,,;
A couple were invited to a swank Halloween party, so the wife bought costumes for both of them. On the night of the party, she developed a terrible headache and told her husband that he should go without her. He protested, but she said all she was going to do was take a couple of aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to waste his time by not going to the party. So he put on his costume and off he went.
The wife, after sleeping for about an hour, awoke without a sign of pain, and as it was only a little after nine, she decided to go to the party. She knew the costume her husband was wearing but he didn't know the costume she was wearing, so she planned to slip into the party and observe how he acted when she wasn't around.
This she did, and as soon as she joined the party, she spotted her husband, prancing around on the dance floor with one slick chick and then another, stealing a little feel here and there, so the wife slid up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his dance partner standing and devoted his attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, and when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed and they went to the parking lot and got in one of the cars and let nature take its course.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation her husband would give her about the time he had at the party. He arrived home about 1:30am and went directly up to the bedroom to see how she was feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading and asked, "What kind of time did you have?" He said, "Well, I'll tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other guys were stag, too, so we just sat back in the den playing poker all night, but I'll tell you one thing, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a good time!"
And the number one reason why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex:
_____
// + \ ,,
|| RIP | .- -.
|| | / ^ ^ \
|| | \ "==" /
\||/\/\//\|/ `----'
IF YOU WANT *MORE* HALLOWEEN...TRY THESE FUN WEB SITES!
YaBoo! http://www.cascade.net/yaboo.html
Explore A Virtual Haunted House at http://www.dash.com/netro/fun/hol/hlw.html
Submitted by Someone
This story I am about to tell you is true. I havent told anyone else this for fear of reprisal or mockery from others. All I can say is I have to remain anonymous in case...well..who knows! Just listen to what I have to tell you and be warned!
It was Halloween many years ago. Somewhere deep in the heart of England
life seemed normal, even peaceful. Autumn leaves filled the air and darkness
was beginning to close in. In one house, a devoted mother was putting her
children to bed.
"Can we have a story, Mum, please?????" pleaded Cyn.
"Ummm...Only if you promise to be good and go to sleep soon,"
said Bambi.
"Hurrah!" cried out Firefly, tucked up in bed.
"Shhhhhhh" said Bambi. "You'll waken the young 'un."
Luckyspin was fast asleep in his cot, with his Fisher Price Music Box gently
playing a Lullaby. At 3, he was getting much too big for his cot, but he
liked it to rock to the music.
"What will it be, then?" asked Bambi. "What story would
you like to hear?"
"A scary story..for it is Halloween," noted Firefly.
Cyn and Firefly, at 7 and 6, were brave girls, and knew they could take
any
frightening tales their mother gave them.
"Well ok...but if it gets too frightening, I'll stop."
Cyn and Firefly nodded, but smirked at each other. They knew after having
to go back to school the previous month, they could handle anything.
"It was dark and cold in the castle..." started Bambi.
"Oooooo, good start Mum," replied Cyn and Firefly in unison.
"...And the ghosts were getting restless.............."
Cyn woke up. Firefly was still asleep and so was Luckyspin but shaking
his
rattle to a different beat. Mum was nowhere to be seen, so she guessed
the
story had finished and she had gone off to bed herself. Cyn didn't feel
tired, so decided to get up and raid the fridge for some scrummy cake that
Bambi makes when she's good. She opened the door but, rather bewilderingly,
she appeared not to be in her own home. The bedroom was the same, but the
hall and stairs down to the front door were certainly not as she remembered.
"Hey, you two. Wake Up!" cried out Cyn.
"Whassup? Is there a Fire? I can tackle Fires," yawned Firefly.
Obviously her testing of Mum's Smoke Detector made her feel she was in
charge of Fire and Safety in the family. And whenever Bambi bought a
Fireman Sam helmet for Firefly, well, that made her feel even more proud.
Firefly opened her toybox and put on her Fire Helmet.
"It's not a fire but it could help," said Cyn. "Waken Luckyspin!"
Firefly nudged Luckyspin then shouted "Get Up. NOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!"
Luckyspin jumped out of the cot, startled and bleary-eyed.
"Aagoogoo gaga," said Luckyspin.
"Wise Up," said Cyn. "You're 3 now!"
"Ooops..I forgot," said Luckyspin.
"Something's up," Said Cyn. "Mum isnt about, and the house
looks all
different".
"Cool," smiled Luckyspin, pretending to smoke a spliff.
"Shall we go back to bed?" asked Firefly.
"No..dont be silly," replied Luckyspin. "That'd be the end
of the story!"
So the three of them left the bedroom and ventured down the stairs in their
dressing gowns. Firefly volunteered to open the front door.
It was busy in Hamelin at this time of year. Johann was hobbling along
after the townsfolk, harrassing them for money as usual, but none of them
were foolish enough to give him anything. Most people's attention was to
the large bonfire in the centre of the Town Square. It was Halloween in
TerraFirmA too, and everyone was in the mood for ghosts and ghouls.
"This is not Kansas," said Firefly.
"You've never been to Kansas, Firefly," said Luckyspin.
"Well..no...but...umm...I'll explain some other time," she replied.
The three children ventured over to the bonfire and started to warm
their
hands from the fire. Content to feel the heat on their bodies, they didn't
notice that the crowd had begun to stare at them. Cyn twitched.
"Ok..what the fuck's the matter?" she snorted to the nearest
person.
"Well.." said the Bank Manager.
"All the children have disappeared from the town and we dont know
where
they are. And you are the first children we've seen in days!"
Luckyspin moved closer to Cyn and Firefly.
"Oh..dont get us wrong," said the Townsman. "We love children.
We're just
surprised to see you three."
Firefly listened carefully, and suddenly a light bulb popped up above her
head. She was actually so enlightened, she then cartwheeled for good measure.
"What is it?" inquired Cyn, thinking Firefly had drank too much
Cidona.
"Well.." whispered Firefly to Cyn and Luckyspin. "If they
love children and
it's Halloween..that means we can get loads of sweets going
trick-or-treating!"
"Cool," grinned Luckyspin. "I could sell my sweets for a
new Hi Fi."
"And I could set-up my own company," grinned Cyn. "Or get
pissed!"
"I'll just eat my sweets," smirked Firefly.
Not far away they noticed a Pawn Broker's shop. Ignoring the crowd that
was
now more interested in them than in the bonfire, they scurried along to
discover, quite fortunately, an Aladdin's cave of clothes and junk. And
even better, the Pawnbroker was away. They each got lost in their own world,
exploring and trying on the different garments to be found.
"What's this scroll and list for?" asked Firefly.
"I dont think they've got Switch" said Luckyspin, still searching.
After 5 more minutes, all three appeared in their selected outfits.
Cyn was wearing jeans and a biker's jacket with a loose fitting t-shirt.
Unfortunately, the jacket reached down to the ground, but she still felt
cool.
For extra measure, she wore a false face not unlike that seen on adults
first thing in the morning after a wild night of drugs and booze.
Firefly stepped out in a complete Fireman's outfit. Well..she maintained
it
was a Fireperson's outfit! The shiny buttons and black coat looked smart
against the yellow wellies and helmet. She could tackle anything now. Well,
maybe a cider.
Luckyspin stood up on the counter and beamed with pride. Hidden almost
completely by his spacesuit, he peeked out of the Helmet, smiling at Cyn.
Well, it was his best guess at being far out. For good measure, he added
tentacles to the helmet and closed it up to look as spooky as possible.
So all three, content with their trick-or-treating clothes, set off
on their
sweets collecting. It was like stealing candy from a baby, or rather from
an adult. Everywhere they went, people were glad to see their bright happy
faces, well..except for Luckyspin who couldnt see out of his spacesuit
and
had to be escorted by his two sisters. Pretty soon they had collected an
abundance of sweets and the kinda of crappy toys you get from Kinder
Surprises. Thankfully, they had enough carrier bags from the local Tescos
to carry all their goodies in.
After an hour, and now pushing a shopping trolley, they decided to have
a
rest. Trick-or-treating is tough work! So they wandered about looking for
somewhere to crash out. Cyn, alert as ever, noticed a tavern, so they
casually walked in, trying to look old enough to get a tipple.
"A pint of your finest beer," demanded Luckyspin.
The Inn Keeper looked at Luckyspin, thought about calling the authorities,
then decided: Screw It! and pulled a pint for the young astronaut.
"Hurrah," cried out Firefly, who quickly ordered a cider.
Cyn got a Bud and quickly downed it in time for another one.
They smiled at each other, like you see people smiling in the movies when
they want this moment to last forever, then started to get pissed.
After ten minutes, they were staggering about the place jumping up and
down
and being a general nuisance. Cyn was chatting up the Mercenary, and Firefly
and Luckyspin were dancing on the tables and kicking tankards about the
place. Finally the Inn Keeper lost his patience and chucked them out.
"Well..to hellsch withhh thattt!" slurred Luckyspin.
"Yep...so what will we do now?" asked Firefly.
"Well...there's always the country for trick or treating," said
Cyn.
So off they went out of Hamelin with their trolley of treats.
The first place they came to was a quaint cottage with smoke billowing
out
of the chimney. Cyn knocked the front door. The door opened.
"Trick or Treat!!!!" shouted the three together, still pissed.
A fat kid with chocolate smeared over his face stared at them.
"Maaaaa....there's three assholes at the door!" shouted Fatso.
"And you'll
never guess what they're wearing!"
The door opened further and a woman appeared, looking bemused.
"Trick or treat?" inquired Luckyspin, hiccuping.
The mother smiled and beckoned them to come into the cottage. At first
they
were unsure about going into a strange house, and especially with such
a fat
ugly son staring at them menacingly. Anyway, they walked on in.
Inside, a slim kid was bobbing for apples in a barrel while his father
was
watching Sky TV. Bert, the oldest brother, was actually trying to drown
Slim but Dad kept on kicking him to make sure all Bert could do is scare
Slim and not actually drown him.
"Some cake?" inquired Mom.
"Yes please," grinned Firefly with glazed eyes.
So they all started to stuff their faces with angelcake. Everyone seemed
so pleasant(ish), and the night rolled on with loads of cakes and drinks.
Fatso, however, didnt like the uninvited guests, and especially since
they
were eating food which he had his eyes on. When Mom wasnt looking, he kicked
Luckyspin unexpectedly.
"Hey...fat boy! Piss off!" retorted Luckyspin.
Fatso kicked him again, and then Cyn.
Cyn, who takes no nonsense from anyone, nutted Fatso in the balls.
Fatso collapsed in a heap, whinging in pain.
Bert, at this point, stopped trying to drown Slim and started to get
in on
the fight. He punched Firefly in the back. She replied with a kung-fu chop
to Bert's ribs. Luckyspin then poked Slim in the eyes, which was quite
easy,
seeing as he was just recovering from almost drowning.
Before long, all the kids were fighting, and Cyn decided that enough
was
enough: time to get the hell out of the cottage. They all made their
excuses pronto-like and ran for it. Out the door they ran, but on their
heels
were Bert, Fatso and Slim. Terrified of a trashing they ran and ran and
ran
until the three brothers were no where in sight.
"Oh shit," sighed Firefly. "We left the trolley behind!"
"Forget the trolley," replied Luckyspin. "We're lost!!!!"
And so they were. In the middle of the countryside, with nowhere to
go and
no lights to guide them home.
They wandered aimlessly, trying to work out where Hamelin was, but to
no
avail. It was cold now, and a full moon was at least helping them find
some
directions.
Before long, they were wandering in a dark forest, alive with the sound
of
animals they couldnt see.
"I dont like this," said Firefly. "I wanna go home"
They walked and walked until they came to a clearing. Cyn gulped.
In front of them was an old Churchyard.
"Do we want to go in here?" asked Firefly.
"Umm..it is shelter," said Luckyspin. So on they went.
Slowly they crept among the graves, to the church door. The door wasnt
closed, so they walked on in.
Dust covered the whole church, and it was obvious it hadn't been used
in
years. Light was dim, and they could hardly see where they were going.
But they moved on to the end of the church.
Suddenly, they fell through the rotting stairs, and landed in a heap.
They
were in a crypt and now very frightened. They could hear voices, and they
didn't sound human.
"Run for it!" cried Firefly, but they couldn't.
All three had hurt themselves from the fall and could only hobble.
A ghost appeared!
The three screamed and ran for their lives. A zombie appeared from nowhere
and started running after them. Desperate, they split, hoping to distract
the ghouls. But they couldnt outrun them. They were catching up. The
footsteps of the zombie were getting closer and closer. There was nowhere
to
go. A hand grabbed Cyn's shoulders! She screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bambi smiled at Cyn.
"You been eating my cake?" asked Bambi.
Cyn looked around at her Mum and the room. Firefly and Luckyspin were fast
asleep in their beds, deep in the land of Nod.
"I think I ate too much cake," whispered Cyn.
"Maybe," smiled Bambi. "Time to go to sleep"
Cyn nodded and pulled up the blanket.
Bambi turned off the lights and left the room.
"Whew," smiled Cyn.
Luckyspin hiccupped.
Submitted by Babygirl
As the days get colder and shorter, and the leaves of New England turn their brilliant autumn hues, I sometimes pause and think: "Hey! Where did my SUMMER go??!"
In June, only the second summer after I had made the plunge, got married, and moved 1500 miles from my childhood home near Denver to Seattle, there I was, preparing to move again! No small undertaking, this. My husband had been picked for the Coast Guard's graduate school program and we were being sent to Rhode Island... which was on the OTHER side of the United States!
Rhode Island, being the smallest state in the country, is rather hard to represent accurately on an ascii map, but here's an approximation of the over-3000-mile route we took in driving from one place to the other:
__________________________________ ____ __
Seattle\*. WA|| | | _/_/\ _| || \
|__.__| \ |______| / \/__ _/||_/
/ .|ID \-------| |____\ / / \ / ||_/
/ |. |Wyomng|_______| \ __\_|__|___/__|_|_\
/_______|__._| . . .| \ ____/ |IN| . .|. .\.*/ <---Rhode
| | |*------.--|______| \Ill|. |.OH_|_PA_|| Island!
| | | | *.|. . . \. . *\.*\__/\_/ /__ \ (approx.)
| \ |Utah| Colo|Kansas \Missr\/ \__/ \
| \ |____|_____|_______|-----|--------/_____\
| \ / | |____ | /________/ |
\ \/ | | | | | | /__----/
\ | | | |____|----/ | \ \ /
\____| | ___| | | | | \ /
\____||_ | |____\__-----\
\ _--____| \ \
\___ / \ \
\ / \_ \
\__| |_/
The first hurdle, of course, was to watch as strangers (also known as "movers") packed the greater part of our worldly possessions into boxes. This is actually more traumatic than one might expect. I'm pretty sure they underestimated the amount of stuff that we have (it's very deceptive, what with it all being hidden away and crammed into nooks and storage boxes...). Apparently the guy who estimated the time and supplies the packers would need failed to note the five LARGE bookshelves in our "bookworm's" library. It took one packer nearly an entire day's work to pack all the books into approximately fifty or so boxes. We realized the extent of the packer's distress as we overheard one of them declaring loudly to his boss over the phone: "We're in a world of hurt here!". After two days of work it was all packed and carried down three flights of stairs to the waiting truck.
Feeling relieved that the first task was over, we set out to pick up a "tow dolly" that we had reserved with U-Haul in order to tow my 1/2-ton car across the country with my husband's 2-ton car (since my car never would have made it, and, like a 'typical' American I find it hard to part with my car ;). The unfortunate thing was... the rental place had lost our reservation and had no tow dolly for us! Not only had they lost it, but they felt no obligation to try to help us find another one at one of the other U-Haul locations in town. After we called every U-Haul place ourselves and failed to find a dolly, we decided to just take off and try to find one (eventually) on the road, since U-Haul seems to have a virutal monopoly on renting tow dollies in the U.S. Not a very good start to the trip!
Most of the next morning was spent searching for the elusive dolly (why does that sound like a line from a nature show..?). We ended up stopping and searching in _five_ cities before we finally found one. After hitching up the cars, we at last sat together in one car and headed east!
There ARE a few catches to towing a car, however.... One is that, to be safe, you can really only go 45 to 50 miles per hour (72-80 kmph). Another thing is that it can get really wearing on the towing car's engine, making it overheat, therefore we had to leave the HEATER on and roll down the windows the entire time we were driving.
So here I am: the middle of the summer, in a car packed full of our belongings, a live fish and a bird in the back seat, the heater turned on full, travelling very fast in a contraption weighing a combined total of 2 1/2 tons... exciting to say the least!
Passing through the ruggedly-beautiful high desert of eastern Washington and eastern Oregon, we ended up in Idaho that first night. More dry desert the next day, and a side-trip to see the Golden Spike Historical site: where the last spike was driven in 1869 to connect the continental railroads from the east and the west. That evening we arrived in Salt Lake City, Utah. We spent the next day doing genealogical research at the Family History Library there, not wanting to pass up such an opportunity! Fortunately the grinding task of spending the whole day in a library paid off in the end--with each of us discovering new information and adding more generations to the family tree.
Taking off from Salt Lake, the temperatures were hovering up near 100 degrees (38 C). As we drove through the rest of Utah and southern Wyoming, what did I write in my journal? Well... this bit of FLUFF:Sun beating down from a smooth blue sky, with cotton-ball cumulus clouds gliding by overhead. Dusty-green scrub brush and sage grasses dot the dry red-brown earth. A place of relative desolation and yet great scenic beauty. Making it to Denver that night, we stayed a pleasant few days with our families there, enjoying the 4th of July holiday (and the movie "Independence Day" to go along with it).
After this brief rest period we struck out again... heading across the plains and farm fields of eastern Colorado and Kansas. After crossing Missouri, we reached St. Louis and the Mississippi river, traditional dividing point of the "east" and "west" parts of the country. Here we met with those "Terradome people" Zioma and Cina :). Although the day was very hot and completely humid and sticky, we had a great time as we went out to lunch, shared travel pictures, and had a *great* cheesecake that Z. made for us! Deeming us "the road warriors", they bid us farewell after a few hours, and we headed out for our next destination: Olney, Illinois.
Olney is a small, rural town in southern Illinois, once the "population center of the United States" (this was in the 1950's). But this is not Olney's biggest claim-to-fame... its most outstanding attraction are the white squirrels. They're all over town, but it's easiest to find them roaming in the city park, where they also keep a few caged white squirrels. There's even a drawing of the albino beasties on the town seal, along with the motto: "Home of the White Squirrels". My father-in-law grew up in Olney and many relatives on his side of the family still live there. I had been there once before, and it was great to experience it again. As a child of the suburbs and the big city, there were many new and enchanting things about a tiny midwestern farm town. Time seems to move slower there, and there's a sense of community unlike that seen in most of the bigger cities. We stayed at his grandfather's house, which is nearly a century old: family members have lived in it since it was first bought by my husband's great-great grandfather. Sometimes you can spy a white squirrel in the trees out in the huge backyard, although their numbers seem to be dwindling lately, according his grandfather. In the evenings the sight of fireflies in the growing darkness was mesmerizing, since they didn't exist in the places where I'd grown up.
While in Olney, we went to the courthouse to do some genealogy: checking birth, death & marriage records for the area. This mostly just confirmed dates, names and places that we already had record of. Then we found out that hubby's aunt is also into genealogy! It's great to be able to share information with a relative. We found that she had actually done a LOT of work on the Olney/S. Illinois branch of the family tree. On our last day there, we went to the local community college, since we were told they had something of a genealogy collection there. While searching aimlessly through the books, I happened upon a family history book that matched a surname of one of hubby's ancestors. To my AMAZEMENT, I found one of his great-great-great-great-great-grandmothers IN the book! And what's more, her ancestry was traced back, through a revolutionary war ancestor, way back to a man who came to America in 1638 (his tenth-great grandfather). I was excited and yet a tad jealous, as I haven't traced anyone in my own family line back so far yet!
After our few days in Olney.. it was out on the road again, with a few more genealogy stops at courthouses and cemeteries in Illinois and Ohio. Cemeteries make me reflective, just as genealogy as a whole does. As I stand over an ancestor's grave, or glance around at the countless others who've gone before me, I get to wondering about what they lived like, what they looked and acted like, the stories behind their lives (and deaths). Seeing the numerous children's tombstones that always exist in graveyards ("our darling", "our little angel") always makes me a bit sad. Who knows how things might have been for these children had they lived in a different age. I think one big reason I do genealogy is because of the feeling that as long as I whisper my ancestors' names, they somehow live still through me. Finding each new ancestor's name helps me understand a little bit more about who I am, and how I got here. The story of their lives is a listing of the seemingly incredible coincidences that somehow produced me.
But back to the road... and amazingly enough, after a few MORE days of long driving, and dropping the tow dolly off in Connecticut, we pulled into Rhode Island... and promptly got lost! We had no house set up to move into, so we needed to find a hotel to use as we searched. But this is a semi-rural area, not to mention an area that we knew little about, and it took a bit of searching to find a hotel. We were thoughtfully welcomed to Rhode Island and the New England area by a tropical storm that hit the next day.
The entire journey, as we drove along, I wrote down a list of places we passed that reminded me of Terra people/things (sad innit). I swear these are REAL places!:
Bliss, Idaho "Loughborough Ave.", St. Louis, Missouri
Albion, Idaho Turboville, Ohio
Lucky Peak, Idaho Sulphur-Grove, Ohio
Honeyville, Utah New Rome, Ohio
BREWster, Kansas Fleatown, Ohio
Denmark, Kansas Harbor Hills, Ohio
Lucas, Kansas Hamlin, Pennsylvania
"Lucas St.", Olney, IL Angels, Pennsylvania
(Lucas was everywhere! ;) Otisville, New York
We eventually found a place, but then found we couldn't be reunited with our worldly possessions until ten days after we'd moved in. So there we were, sitting on the floor eating, watching the summer olympics on a tiny television that our neighbors lent us. Needless to say, we've now got our stuff and unpacked (most of) it, and I'm _sort of_ starting to feel settled. But the biggest thing preying upon my mind... is the fact that we have to move AGAIN next June! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Submitted by Babygirl
Byte Me!: Computing for the Terminally Frustrated
Invest Like Warren Buffett, Live Like Jimmy Buffett
The 7 Habits of Highly Defective People
Naked Came the Manatee
Women Who Run With the Werewolves
How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis
You're So Fine, I'd Drink a Tub of Your Bathwater
Spineless Wonders: Strange Tales from the Invertebrate World
Becoming Whole in a Half-Assed World
Murder on a Bad Hair Day
Cow Chips Aren't For Dippin'
Submitted by Someone
An as-yet-unexplained wave of bawdiness swept TerraFirmA late one August morning... Several people were overwhelmed with the feeling, as these excerpts show! The names have been "modified" to protect the guilty...
You are standing in the Orgy
This really is a den of debauchery! There are naked bodies everywhere, some
asleep while others are at it, so to speak! There's couples, triples, groups of
Romans doing things you've only heard about in the Karma Sutra. There's even
some bloke in the corner with a sheep! Oh My! There's a massive group of young
women sitting around a fat but important looking Roman. The youngest and most
impressive of them is feeding him grapes while he is showing her position
number, err, well enough of this!
Bottles of wine have been knocked over causing the carpet to be an oozy
red. There's a really sad man sucking at the carpet with a stupid blurry grin
on his face. He's wearing a hat and nothing much else on. On the hat is written
the words "Nomino Vardikus". In fact, lots of others have simliar hats. This
must be some kind of Roman massive Blind Date! Unfortunately there are no
spare hats for you. And anyway, you're too clean living a person to want to get
involved in this! Aren't You?
You see :
A golden door.
The door is open.
Some delicious looking grapes.
A small bottle of body oil.
A large tube of honey.
The Sheep sitting here.
Obvious exits are :
Down : Villa of Cato
West : Bedroom
>ex sheep
She looks at you with glee.
On close examination;
The sheep is covered in ribbons and smells of fresh perfumes.
The Sheep purrs contentedly.
The Dryad arrives.
Aragorn says 'some people dont know how to have fun!'
JuniorMiss scratches her head.
Luminant knows how to have fun.
Aragorn has gone west.
[Fabius has been slain by Aragorn]
[Minerva has been slain by Aragorn]
Aragorn gossips 'oops.I killed minerva'
Aragorn gossips 'still..necrophilia! ah well!'
JuniorMiss grabs her sides and tumbles to the floor in hysterics.
Aragorn has arrived from the west.
JuniorMiss says 'perv!'
Piebald tickles The Sheep.
The Sheep collapses into paroxyms of giggles.
Piebald pounces on The Sheep and is pinned under his paws!
Aragorn takes the honey.
Aragorn examines his honey closely.
Frostyscholar casually strips off, stands in front of a camera and sends his
picture over the internet.
A huge holographic image of Frostyscholar in a revealing pose fills the sky
above you.
Aragorn squirms in private ecstasy.
Luminant examines Aragorn curiously.
Luminant whistles appreciatively.
JuniorMiss dazzles you in a moment of splendour.
Piebald cheers with great gusto!
>ex aragorn
A handsome rogue with love on his mind
Aragorn performs a seductive striptease for all to see!
Aragorn wiggles his bottom.
Luminant whistles appreciatively.
Luminant loses consciousness and falls to the floor!
JuniorMiss is feeling very lustful. Distance might be a good precaution!
Piebald examines the oil closely.
Aragorn laughs his head off.
JuniorMiss smirks a bit.
Aragorn invites The Sheep to seduce him.
JuniorMiss lusts after Aragorn.
Aragorn loses consciousness and falls to the floor!
JuniorMiss sulks.
Luminant gossips 'Bring a camera, we'll make a fortune selling the pictures!'
Aragorn nibbles The Sheep's ear..
JuniorMiss pouts.
Luminant swoons.
Cervine gossips 'yeah full colour'
Piebald gossips 'i got my video camera '
JuniorMiss gossips 'eek'
Luminant examines Aragorn curiously.
Luminant loses consciousness and falls to the floor!
Aragorn pinches JuniorMiss.
JuniorMiss leans over to Aragorn and bites his neck lustily.
Aragorn sprays whipped cream on Luminant, then licks it off slowly.
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
Aragorn examines The Dryad curiously.
Piebald shows you his worm.
Luminant nibbles Aragorn's ear.
Aragorn leaps onto a table and screams 'Eeeeeeeeek!'
JuniorMiss hides her eyes.
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
Piebald shakes hands with The Worm.
Luminant rolls her eyeballs.
Luminant leaps onto a table and screams 'Eeeeeeeeek!'
JuniorMiss laughs her head off.
Luminant sneaks up to Aragorn and tips a bucket of ice cold water over him.
Aragorn becomes very shy and hides in a corner.
Aragorn sticks his tongue out at The Sheep.
Luminant snaps a wet towel at Aragorn!
Aragorn leaps onto a table and screams 'Eeeeeeeeek!'
Aragorn's head swells as he tells you how wonderful he is.
JuniorMiss reads The Sheep a love poem.
The Librarian arrives.
Aragorn raises an eyebrow quizzically.
JuniorMiss eyes The Librarian up.
Aragorn gives JuniorMiss his honey.
JuniorMiss adorns her honey.
JuniorMiss wiggles her bottom.
Luminant raises an eyebrow quizzically.
Aragorn takes the oil.
Aragorn gives his oil to Luminant.
Luminant wonders if she might be de trop.
Luminant wears her oil.
Luminant raises her arms in true Superhero style.
[Weather change to Rainbow by Luminant]
Aragorn laughs his head off.
Luminant boogies on down.
JuniorMiss grins broadly.
Luminant gets overexcited and has to sit down.
Luminant assumes the lotus position.
Luminant gets out a fan to try and cool herself down.
The Librarian has gone west.
[Aragorn has BECOME Unit]
Aragorn disintegrates, and reappears as Unit.
Luminant examines Unit curiously.
Unit climaxes.
JuniorMiss cheers wholeheartedly.
Unit loses consciousness and falls to the floor!
Piebald grins broadly.
Luminant leaps onto a table and screams 'Eeeeeeeeek!'
Unit looks like a gibbering wreck on the floor.
JuniorMiss melts into Piebald's arms.
JuniorMiss watches Unit closely.
Cervine appears from nowhere.
Unit examines The Sheep curiously.
Piebald gives Unit the ultimate in snuggles, cuddles and love.
JuniorMiss hugs everyone!
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
Piebald cheers with great gusto!
Cervine says 'ok where is the tennis racket and wellies'
JuniorMiss grabs her sides and tumbles to the floor in hysterics.
Unit says 'wellies?'
JuniorMiss waves her hand mystically and the wellies flies into it.
JuniorMiss drops her wellies.
Luminant says 'wellies???'
Unit says 'what's the racket for???'
Terran apears from nowhere.
JuniorMiss bids Terran welcome.
Terran says '?'
Piebald cheers with great gusto!
Piebald says 'welcome the the orgy '
Cervine says 'yeah well how else you gonna get the sheep to stay still'
Unit says 'this to hit the backside of thesheep?'
Piebald gives everyone a community hug!
JuniorMiss shouts 'MORE!! MORE!! *blush*'
Unit laughs at JuniorMiss.
Piebald says 'ya dont need a racket for that '
Tunewhirler raises an eyebrow at JuniorMiss.
JuniorMiss beckons Tunewhirler to come closer.
Piebald throws back his head and cackles with glee!
Terran says 'uuuh, Im not sure if I wanna be here....'
JuniorMiss says 'aww'
Unit takes the wellies.
Unit examines his wellies closely.
Unit blushes a lovely shade of red.
JuniorMiss waves her hand mystically and the paddle flies into it.
JuniorMiss wields the paddle.
Cervine says 'take the strings out of the tennis racket and put it over
his head'
Unit gives his wellies to Cervine.
Unit rolls on the floor in drooling hysterics.
Luminant examines the wellies.
Piebald says 'i should have first go '
Piebald says 'i`m welsh '
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
Cervine says 'and put the back legs in the wellies'
Cervine grins broadly.
Luminant examines The Sheep curiously.
Terran loses consciousness and falls to the floor!
Unit says 'you seem to know so much about this Cervine!'
The Sheep wiggles her bottom.
Cervine says 'well'
Piebald lusts after The Sheep.
Luminant blindfolds The Sheep.
The Sheep says 'cmon.. bring the wellies on!
Luminant offers The Sheep some valium.
Unit offers The Sheep a cigarette.
The Sheep grins evilly.
The Sheep says 'My name is Michael Caine. Not a lot of people know that!'
Luminant laughs at The Sheep.
Unit says 'perv level 10 I think'
Cervine throws back her head and cackles with glee!
Piebald points a finger at his chest and says 'Who? ME?'
Unit says 'well.piebald is doing the business and we're watching'
Unit comforts The Sheep, and offers his sympathy.
Luminant tickles The Sheep.
The Sheep collapses into paroxyms of giggles.
Piebald says 'watch and learn ppl '
Cervine gives her wellies to Piebald.
Piebald thanks Cervine whole-heartedly.
Piebald wears his wellies.
Luminant blinks, then slaps her forehead and screams 'DOH!'
Luminant waves her hand mystically and the lifejacket flies into it.
Luminant gives her lifejacket to Unit.
Unit smiles happily.
The Sheep invites Piebald to seduce her.
JuniorMiss hides her eyes.
The Sheep taps her foot in an impatient manner.
Piebald kisses The Sheep deeply.
The Sheep blushes a lovely shade of red.
Piebald says 'cant forget the foreplay '
Cervine scrunches up her face and says 'Eew, nasty.'
JuniorMiss grabs her sides and tumble to the floor in hysterics.
Piebald grabs his sides and tumbles to the floor in hysterics.
The Sheep dons rubber armour and poses seductively with a whip.
Cervine grabs her sides and tumbles to the floor in hysterics.
Luminant leaps onto a table and screams 'Eeeeeeeeek!'
JuniorMiss whistles appreciatively at The Sheep.
The Sheep gives Piebald a sound spanking!
Piebald says 'sorry i cant do this '
Piebald says 'i`m shy '
JuniorMiss makes a silly face and says 'Awwww'
The Sheep tuts.
The Sheep winks at Piebald.
Luminant whips out a camera and starts snapping.
Luminant is a stringer for FreeWheeling...
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
Luminant ducks the expected blow.
JuniorMiss has just totally FREAKED!!!
The Sheep sprays whipped cream on Tunewhirler, then licks it off slowly.
Unit giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
The Librarian is booted high into the sky.
High above the screaming figure of The Librarian tumbles helplessly through the
air.
[Someone] gossips 'Having fun, are we?'
Luminant gossips 'Oh yes thanks ;)'
Unit gossips 'umm..fun??? :)'
Cervine gossips 'the sheep is'
Piebald gossips 'you should see this sheep '
The Sheep becomes very shy and hides in a corner.
Luminant should think the sheep should be shy.
Luminant tuts.
JuniorMiss gives The Sheep a lustful grin.
The Sheep is so happy that she cries!
JuniorMiss whistles innocently.
Piebald says 'help me out here guys '
Piebald grins broadly.
Luminant tells The Sheep she is a Hussy!
And a Strumpet!!!
The Sheep leans over to Piebald and bites his neck lustily.
Terran says 'egads'
The Sheep needs to slip out to the toilet for a moment.
Piebald scrunches up his face and says 'Eew, nasty.'
JuniorMiss thinks it's such a pity.
The Sheep winks at Piebald.
Luminant sobs uncontrollably.
Piebald casts a huge fireball.
The Sheep is engulfed by the fireball!
The Sheep has died.
A[The Sheep has been slain by Piebald]
JuniorMiss gasps in astonishment.
Piebald says 'lets bbq'
Luminant loses consciousness and falls to the floor!
Piebald grabs his sides and tumbles to the floor in hysterics.
Tunewhirler laughs his head off.
JuniorMiss throws back her head and cackles with glee!
Unit says 'awww'
Cervine says 'poor sheep'
Piebald kneels down, takes The Sheep's hand and makes a heartfelt apology to her.
Luminant gossips 'OK The sheep's mutton...'
Piebald says 'she wasnt my type '
JuniorMiss eyes The Sheep up.
Luminant comforts The Sheep, and offers her sympathy..
Cervine says 'who fancys a lamb roast'
JuniorMiss licks her lips.
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
The Sheep winks at JuniorMiss.
Piebald ducks the expected blow.
Luminant leaps onto a table and screams 'Eeeeeeeeek!'
Luminant blushes a lovely shade of red.
The Sheep bends over for you.
Piebald acks and hacks, coughing uncontrollably.
Cervine whips out her trusty roasting pan and starts pealing spuds.
Luminant offers to wash up if Cervine cooks.
Piebald says 'that sheep is a tart '
Cervine says 'no its a sheep'
Luminant shakes her head and says 'As if!'
The Sheep says 'I may be dead but want a go??'
JuniorMiss blinks, then slaps her forehead and screams 'DOH!'
The hussy Sheep winks at JuniorMiss.
Piebald tuts at The Sheep.
The Sheep fades to magenta, embarrassed.
Piebald says 'i want it known I DONT SHAG SHEEP '
Luminant says 'way hey hey'
Cervine says 'so could the sheep'
Piebald giggles in a fit of uncontrollable mirth.
Unit laughs his head off.
JuniorMiss grins broadly.
Unit says 'it's ok..we dont mind!'
Luminant says 'well stop hanging around in rooms with them so much ;)'
Piebald says 'not normally anyways'
Piebald winks at The Sheep.
Luminant says 'no we're dead tolerant...'
JuniorMiss scrunches up her face and says 'Eew, nasty.'
Luminant says 'tolerant of dead sheep even...'
Luminant tolerates the Sheep.
Luminant tries to tolerate Piebald but just can't do it.
Piebald says 'lets eat the sheep'
JuniorMiss says 'ooer'
Piebald says 'and get it over with '
Cervine grabs her sides and tumbles to the floor in hysterics.
Luminant nods solemnly.
Luminant heartily agrees with Piebald.
Piebald pokes JuniorMiss in the ribs.
The Sheep smiles knowing she'll get Piebald yet.
JuniorMiss blushes a lovely shade of red.
JuniorMiss apologises profusely to everyone.
JuniorMiss gives everyone a community hug!
Unit says 'orgy over'
Piebald says 'the things i do for you gusys'
Luminant bows gracefully.
Luminant hugs Piebald.
Unit grins broadly.
Luminant turns casually into a tiger before resuming normal shape.
JuniorMiss waves goodbye.
Luminant envelopes herself in a sphere of fire.
Unit waves happily.
Luminant waves happily.
Submitted by Luckyspin
EVER WONDERED "HOW WE GOT HERE"?... WELL, WONDER NO MORE! In the beginning there was the computer. And God said: %>Let there be light! #Enter user id. %>God #Enter password. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %>Create dry_land #Done. %>Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %>Create sun_moon_stars #Done %>Run sun_moon_stars #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %>Create fish #Done %>Create fowl #Done %>Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %>Create cattle #Done %>Create creepy_things #Done %>Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %>Create man #Done %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %>Insert breath #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %>Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %>Create Garden.edn #Done %>Move man to Garden.edn #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. %>Copy woman from man #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %>Create desire #Done %>Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %>Create freewill #Done %>Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %>Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %>Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %>Create good, evil #Done %>Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %>Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %>Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %>Break %>Break %>Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. %>Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %>Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. %>Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
Submitted by Lucas
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman *** Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid *** Dear Maid, I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman *** Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty *** Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper *** Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman *** Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper *** Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman *** Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager *** Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman *** Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper *** Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman
Submitted by Various
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *DOOMED*. If you don't believe it, consider these Weird Deaths: A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas, was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. The gun went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Having a Bad day... Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit - Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't even scratched. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express, was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
Submitted by Lucas
US Navy radio conversation:
#1:"Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2:"Recommend that you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
a collision."
#1:"This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course."
#2:"No, I say again you divert YOUR course."
#1:"This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the
U.S. Navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2:"This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Submitted by Nirvana
--- machine theme ---
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this
thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the
light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...
(Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an
answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at
the tone.
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum
people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a
garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we
don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five
answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor
to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong..
Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm
open to suggestions.
(or)
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right
now, but the phone is.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left
me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
(or)
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done... (Cachunk!)
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am
leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages
either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you
wait to not leave a message.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances
have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.
(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the
former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the
functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk.
If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the
tone.
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious
you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your
name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar
to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly
possible.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to
me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
sounding.
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
(Computer generated voices:)
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone
right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like,
you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief
message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of
this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We
used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech
world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it
that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your
message...
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you
were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...
(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and
number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
system.
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of
our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes.
(Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.)
(or)
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your
name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave
your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want
to leave your number and the time you called, please press star
twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling
to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation,
please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product
or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2
and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.
Pressing 3 is optional.
(or)
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your
name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an
outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
(or)
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for
Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1.
If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...
(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is
that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine. So, leave a message.
(Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre
evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of
Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later,
high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:)
...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
--- authority figures ---
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell.
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
(Richard Nixon voice:) Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like
Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out
right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave
your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't
want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you
can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.
(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm,
uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the
telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.)
I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave
a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.
(Militaristic mechanical voice:)
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now.
At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list
of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice
day.
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract
Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and
destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble.
If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming,
non-urgent.
(Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code
number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on
an international mission involving the theft of gold plated
Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my
mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!
(Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a
message.
To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power!
Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from
Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making
Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message
after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is
served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just
dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by
the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our
investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name,
number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.
Thank you.
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they
dialed long distance.)
(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your
contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission,
should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred."
"We're not home; leave a message."
This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out
on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his
basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco
Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home
soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back.
Deal with it.
(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of
Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you
leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure... I knew you could.
(English accent:) Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty
Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch
has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get
better.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call
right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line
where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm
suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby
of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll
tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by
short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you
can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers
will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them,
leave your own personal secret at the beep.
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave
your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers,
but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a
nice day.
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave
your name and number, and prepare to die.
--- odd organizations ---
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of
Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message
saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where
you'll be, and I'll be there.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear
a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass,
Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...
(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother
or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and
Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but
if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call.
Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators
are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief
message after the tone, and someone will get back to you...
When hell freezes over.
(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for
calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to
get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically
be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a
message...
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines
are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
will get back to you as soon as possible.
(or)
Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently
busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered
in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank
you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue
to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't TOO serious, leave
a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call
you back. Have a nice day.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-
compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are
paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are
schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't
matter which number you press. No one will answer.
You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa
Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone
and we'll get around to it...
(or)
Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination.
Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to
getting it straight.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.
(Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people
call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on
my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then...
she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr.
Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her
case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone
and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and
Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if
you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to
pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy
gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're
making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big
scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back
to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.
(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the
Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone
right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a
message.
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn
that your unit has re-established communications. The entire
staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with
other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may
reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as
possible to discuss your concerns..
(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today,
millions still speak French as either a first or second
language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English
at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to
you, just say, "non".
Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz
railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency
condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be
advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds of talking, all
of which is drowned out by a passing train.)
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our
operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of
your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get
back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these
delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find
them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your
gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and
have a nice day.
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say
the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where
YOU saw Elvis!
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy
agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're
not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
speak freely.
Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
(or)
Hello, you're caller number nine!
You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian
Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be
with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your
requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in,
given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our
show.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've
reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being
cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave
your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at
the end of time.
Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying
to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For
Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're
going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can't help you. If
you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.
Hello, you have reached the Fidelity Sperm Bank Helpline. Your
business is important to us. Please hold for the next available
customer servicer.
(Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of
Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name,
number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong
way...
Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting
screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the
late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the
Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If
you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not,
please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on
the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy
involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
Thank you for calling.
You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
with your penance.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... You've just
reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure
you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in
whatever way we can.
Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our
customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing
customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
(or)
Hello, you've reached Katie's Institution for the Preservation
of Prostitution. All of our operatives are busy right now, but
if you leave your name, number and services required we will get
back to you as soon as an opening is available...
--- mainly musical theme ---
(To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":)
Leave a message... Leave a message...
("Heartbreak Hotel":)
I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell,
And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
(Madonna's "Justify My Love"; sultry voice:)
Wanting...
Waiting...
For you,
To justify your call...
(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783.
Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up
the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")
(Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure
to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like
it any more than you do.
(Pink Floyd:)
Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine...
(Voice:) Please leave your name, phone number and message.
Thank you.
(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") I ain't home, I ain't
home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home.
(Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":)
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
No one's here, no one's home,
Leave a message, at the tone.
Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,
Leave a message, you can reach us.
(U2's "With or Without You":)
No one's here to answer the phone,
Leave a message at the tone,
And we'll get back to you.
We'll get back to you!
To read the rest of this enormously long collection of answerphone messages, see here.
Submitted by Cyn
<Cyn> heh just vilkas to get rid of and we have domination! <BabyGirl> COOL <Cyn> we could put a line in the code so when it asks you m/f, we can kick newbies out with a 'm' flag <BabyGirl> and let's change the name of the mud to "amazon"... :) <Cyn> heh.. or we could have another flag, assume everyone is female unless they stay male and put a VF_STUPID, VF_PIGHEADED, VF_LAZYSOD flag on them <BabyGirl> oooh i like that one better <Cyn> OR when a male logs on we could autoshout 'xxx apologies for being a man!' <Cyn> and give them whiner as attidute <BabyGirl> *clap* <Vilkas> *glower* <Cyn> and then.. <Cyn> we could have noxxxx routines, like nowashingup, noironing, nohousework. yeah reckon thats a design! <BabyGirl> don't forget nocook <Vilkas> Ill laugh at that, even though Im a man... <Cyn> heh.. of course. Noshopping, nocommonsense, nofeelings, nocomfort, nopatience, noleaveingthetoiletseatup, nobelching, noTVwatching <BabyGirl> you've got this well in hand i see... <BabyGirl> (noleavingthetoiletseatup.. ROFL) <Cyn> heh <Vilkas> Hang on... this is the one I dont get... <Cyn> heh NoSulkWhenTheyCan'tGettheirOwnWay <BabyGirl> *cheer* <Vilkas> This may be a bit of a leap, but... if the seats up... then put it back down. We never complain whenwe have to put it up, do we? And you have gravity on yourside <Cyn> yeah I guess.. but hey, at least we don't think its a game and pretend to be firemen and sprinkle the whole damn bathroom <BabyGirl> i always put the LID down.. that's the difference.. then we BOTH have to lift it.. it's equal ;) <Vilkas> Well, we dont ALL have that bad an aim... youre obviously hanging around with the wrong people <Cyn> heh... hmmm.. how about some positive flags <Cyn> CanStratch, CanShoutatOtherDrivers, CanDrinkHeavilyAndThinkTheyAreMoreAttractive, CanSayCrapChatupLines, CanWindYouUp, CanLetyouDown, CanIgnoreYou, <Cyn> and then... <BabyGirl> she's on a roll! <Cyn> noflowers, nochocolates, noorgasm!, <Cyn> CanSnore, <Cyn> nomakebeds <Vilkas> My, this is brutal. [BabyGirl] wimp [Cyn] rofl
Submitted by Luckyspin
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Dad: Sure son, what's the question? Son: What is politics? Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand? Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it. That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep. The next morning... Son: Dad, I think I understand politics. Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words. Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
Thank you for reading the seventh issue of FreeWheeling!
Contributions are always welcomed by the editors: send them by mudmail to BabyGirl or Firefly, or by e-mail to Lucas. Many thanks to the contributors to this issue.
RULE FOR THE DAY: IF YOU MAKE A MESS, CLEAN IT UP!