9th Edition

Welcome to the first FreeWheeling issue of 1997. Most of the articles in this issue have to do with women, men, relationships in general.... all of the little things that make Valentine's Day so... fun? There is also a new "serial" section--Tales of Terra--where, with each issue, we will feature stories of game history and lore. In any case, whatever your "significant other" status may be: Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

BabyGirl and Firefly (Editors)

CONTENTS

• NEWS
• TALES OF TERRA
• WIFE 1.0
• DUMB MEN JOKES
• BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...
• A LESSON IN ANATOMY
• HOW TO TRANSLATE PERSONAL ADS
• VALENTINE MESSAGES
• VALENTINE'S DAY LINKS

NEWS

Game News

The key word with news about the game right now seems to be "pending".... The long-awaited TerraForming project is (still) in its final stages. The Rescue quest will soon make its appearance. Check out the new info file, INFO BASICS, which covers basic commands and concepts for runners: feel free to refer newbies to this file if they are confused about the way the game works.

The Terradome has recently moved to a new server and has a new IP address: 130.227.72.10 8888. The address "terradome.ds-data.dk" should work the same as always. The new server is a faster server in and of itself, but unfortunately this alone does not alleviate the lag problems for players from the UK.

Wizard News

At TerraFirmA, Mav has moved up the ranks from Apprentice to Counsel. Congrats also to Rita and Bey, who have recently made it to Apprentice.

Web News

Quest icons that graphically represent each quest have been added to the Quests Guide section of each web site (http://143.117.17.30/TerraFirmA/GUIDE/quests/ OR http://terradome.ds-data.dk/terradome/GUIDE/quests.html). Have a look-see!

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TALES OF TERRA

The Demise Of Gimli

It was a bright sunny day when the fateful incident occurred. A Dwarven patrol was scouting on the borders of their land when the surrounding undergrowth suddenly exploded all around them. It was an ambush. A pack of forty Orcs attacked, and decimated the small patrol. Only one escaped. Jannisson quickly ran back to the Citadel, the power centre of the Dwarven territories. It was a harrowing flight, and on several occasions Jannisson was nearly caught by the pursuing Orcs; it was only due to his courage and skill that he managed to cheat death. Upon his return, he quickly found King Gimli and warned him of the impending situation. Gimli was worried, his brow darkening as he thought about and discarded several courses of action until there was only one remaining. Reaching down to the side of his majestic throne, he brought forth his battle horn. The sound of the horn was heard all over the territories; thousands of Dwarves returned to the Citadel at the sound of the horn and prepared for battle, a battle that would determine their fate. It was around midnight when the Orcs attacked the stronghold. The battle was bloody and furious, and the Orcs soon kept the Dwarves busy on the ramparts. Every attempt to scale the walls was thwarted. Pindar, the Orcs' Commander, was outraged at this, and thus gave the order for the gates to be stormed. It took some time, but eventually the Dwarves could hold the gates no longer, and the Orcs entered the Citadel. It was slaughter. Dwarves were running everywhere, desperate to get out of the Citadel, only to find that the Orcs barred their way. Gimli was anguished, and so made the attempt to escape himself...but he made it only as far as the end of an escape tunnel. There, Pindar was waiting for the Dwarf King. Gimli's skull was crushed with one fell blow as he emerged. A traitor within the Citadel had revealed the location of the passage. The Dwarves were finished; the desperate battle was over. Nowadays only a few Dwarves roam the Citadel, having returned from their exile; laboriously they turn their skilled hands toward restoring the Citadel to its former glory.

CASTLE HOHENZOLLERN

by N. Jackson-Smythe, Archaeologist and Explorer

The castle known as Hohenzollern, which lies in the west, sits in rocky but beautiful countryside. The site is rich in artifacts and worthy of further examination by any interested historian or archaeologist. My investigations of the castle and its environs heightened my curiosity about the area, so I began to interview the locals about the history of this place.... What I uncovered was a strange and disturbing tale. As the legend has it, there was once an evil family called the Nibelungen who lived in the castle. The Nibelungen were rumoured to have practiced black magic and were feared by the local people. They possessed a magic hoard of gold that was guarded by a fierce dragon called Faffner. After generations of oppression, the locals were saved by the hero Siegfried who slew the family and their dragon, thereby winning the hoard of treasure. Many years later, the royal family Hohenzollern occupied the castle. One member of the family, a young man named Parsifal, was reputed to be a powerful wizard. Servants at the castle, however, started to fear for their lives. They spread stories about an un-dead dragon that Parsifal discovered deep under the castle. The local people were saying that the Nibelungen family had placed a magical spell over the dragon Faffner so that she would return after her own death to avenge the family. Parsifal apparently believed his magic could keep the dracolich under control, and perhaps even turn it to his own purposes. But he must have failed in his quest, for after some time, all those in the castle mysteriously disappeared, including Parsifal himself. Several of those who have braved the castle's depths have not returned, and so the mystery and the legend of Nibelung remains.

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WIFE 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of these particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, but Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.:

• A "Don't remind me again" button.
• A Minimize button.
• An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode, which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks--all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS: To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system, and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.

Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

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DUMB MEN JOKES

Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can understand them.

What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?

Government Bonds mature.

What's a man's idea of helping with housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What did God say after He created man?

"I can do better than this!"

How do men define a "50-50" relationship?

The woman cooks / they eat; the woman cleans / they dirty; the woman irons / they wrinkle....

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack.

How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

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BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...

(especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses God.

ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks...."

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes--we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."

ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but...."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway...."

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"

PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.

PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us...."

COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"

MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.

LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

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A LESSON IN ANATOMY

The following is the "Unusual Case" case column from the July 1991 issue of the trade magazine "Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality", by William A. Morton, Jr.

Scrotum Self-Repair

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self- gratification.

Dr. William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

Yuck....

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HOW TO TRANSLATE PERSONAL ADS

Ahhh...dating through personal ads, what could be simpler? Pick out an ad that sounds good to you, place a call, and you're set for life! The only problem is, the person whose ad you responded to probably cheated a little on the description of themselves. In some cases, "out-and-out lie" would better describe it.... Here are some examples of the ways some people may choose to describe themselves. On the left is what they say. On the right is the reality:

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VALENTINE MESSAGES

"I idly rest: you come to me-- Your dear love holds me close to you, If I could see you face to face It would not be more sweet and true" Sarah Orne Jewett, "Together", 1875

Mr Bounce:stay, er, bouncy!
You know I love you, babe...
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
Loads of love from someone who would remain anonymous, except that you can't fail to know who it's from anyway!
xxxxxxxxxx

Babe... I'll always remember the Purple light... Happy Valentine's Day.... love Twinkle xxxx

To the longest serving app in mud history:
Get to clave.. then you won't be bothered by the lflag.
Your Airline Captain.

For BabyGirl
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fancy a shag?

To Cryo: one.....   huge.....  *HUG*
From the "Night Owl"

To a MulledWineWoman: *love*...

Valentine to Honey:

I never get to tell you
What I'd really like to say,
How much I long to hold you
Each and every day.
To kiss you and caress you
And leave this world behind,
There isn't any limit
To the pictures in my mind.
You're the fuel of all my fantasies,
The substance of my dreams
In my special world
It's you and me
And nothing in between.
But then when I
Come back to Earth
And face reality
I realize, it's just a dream;
That's all there is for me.

Keep the claws sharp, the fur brushed and your pads clean of mud.
The large cat in the next cage to you.

To Firefly....
Red things are red,
Blue things are blue,
Why so jumpy
When I send roses to you?

Cyn.

A Hero, She is one to me
Why? That's as plain as can be
Out of the mess
She made me progress
I hope she doesn't charge me a fee!!!!

Mindflayer the Awesome? Yeah, I'd agree with that!!
Thanks for being truly cool and ace, and generally listening when I get stressed!
Happy Valentine's Day, Mindy...
Love,
   Well, I'm sure you can probably work that one out!xxx

S.I.... (as Beethoven wrote to his beloved...)

My angel, my all, my very self... my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us--I can live only wholly with you or not at all ... Oh continue to love-- never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.

Love, C.P.

To: Moraine, Bliss, Stace, Cabbage, Rita

Here's a little poem just so that I can let you know how special you are to me, and how special you make me feel sometimes...

When your soul is set on fire...
Filling your heart with burning desire...
Lifting your spirit way up above; this is what's known as the power of love.

Can you feel the fire burn as it takes control of you;
There is nowhere you can turn, there is nothing you can do!
Your heart will never be free as it takes you high above;
So, baby, come and dance with me, we'll get high on the power of love!

Yours truly,
Me = Angelic + Vain. (Sometimes)

To Girl of my dreams:
With mulled wine and log fires...
Shame about those apprentices.
All my love.

Tyban:
Thanks for the talks,
Thanks for putting up with me ;)
Thanks for being there....
Couldn't have made it without ya.
Lots of Love,
An Imperfect Lady

Alt-Yr-Yn... What can I say.... Happy Valentine's Day.... love Nash xxxx

For Rita:

They say you winge
You make me laugh
I'd give anything
to be in your class

For Cyn

To BabyGirl: Lots of crunchy hugs, and smooth kisses,
                                                                                  from Armadillo.

To Twinkle
Meet you under the PURPLE light.
Loads of love.
???????????

Hey, Sickboy...happy Valentine's Day, hon.
Just to let you know, it's rather cool being a Sickgirl...even if I do keep stalling on the MUD wedding! :)
Love and Hisses,
     Blisssssssssss.XXXXXX

To: Stranger in a foreign Land:
Hope you still think it was the best move.
Don't forget to get a big lock for your bedroom door next month.

To Firefly:

if [ "$date" = "valentines" ] ; then
  echo "Lots of love, hugs and kisses!"
fi

To The Bear:

"...And who will walk a mile with me
Along life's weary way?
A friend whose heart has eyes to see
The stars shine out o'er the darkening lea,
And the quiet rest at the end of the day,--
A friend who knows, and dares to say,
The brave sweet words that cheer the way
Where he walks a mile with me.

With such a comrade, such a friend,
I fain would walk till journey's end,
Through summer sunshine, winter rain,
And then?--Farewell, we shall meet again!"
(poem by Henry Van Dyke)

From
     Your Girl

If you're riding into The Danger Zone this Valentine's Day.....I hope it's a day that Takes Your Breath Away.....
Loads of love,
Miss Maverick.xxxx

To Bambi:
I do not know what love is
I've never felt its warmth
But you make me smile
and laugh and cry
Heck, who needs love?
(Actually you don't make me cry.
 It fitted in well with the poem)

Someone asked me the other day
when the friendship ended
and love began.

But that's the trick
isn't it
our friendship has
never ended.

Schmooka
Happy Valentine's Day
eat lots of chocolate!

Eowyn... what can I say, you drive me wild!
(from someone who needs to get out more)

I'm still watching, but the moon hasn't turned blue and the stars damn well refuse to swirl...
Keep that ruby polished.

Firefly
Definition: Phototyping bug that burns my heart.

To C.P.

The madness of a kiss!
The insanity of a touch!
The insecurity of a heart...
The reassurance of a promise.
The knowledge of love.

From
S.I.

To Bliss:     Lots of muddy hugs, all slimey and slippery...

Dear Lucas,

You are a song. Remember the time I saw a seagull fly out of your eyes? You comforted me with your kebab until I thought I spied your boxers draped across the equator. But the asphalt still flickers with our contentious love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
Yours invisibly,
Someone

Red Scarf... Hope all your dreams and wishes come true... Happy Valentine's Day....love Black Boots xxxx

To Pillman:
With thanks to those Late Friday Sessions
To cases, switches and structs.
Don't make me put the *'s in....
With Love.

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VALENTINE'S DAY LINKS

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That wraps it up for the 9th issue of FreeWheeling. Here's hoping everyone has a happy "heart day"--take the time to let your loved ones know how much you appreciate them!

Contributions are always welcomed by the editors: send them by mudmail or e-mail to BabyGirl or Firefly. Many thanks to the contributors to this issue.